Struggling to Accept My Own Words Right Now

'The Way Things Used To Be'

I often think of how I wish things could be the way they used to be.
I’m sure you may do the same.
Time didn’t seem to vanish like a vapor or slip away so quickly.
Things seemed simpler, less complicated & easier done without so much materialistic foo-foo...

The difference is how things these days are high falootin’ & non-simplistic in view.
With fast paced living & the world’s way of pure selfishness to compare.
Don’t get me wrong there are good people & things in this world these days to behold as help-meets and things we could’nt do without, least we dare.

It’s just we find ourselves wishing for things to be as they once were, cause we’re taking care of others or others taking care of us at times too....
Sometimes making less time for ourselves. Therefore;
Time doesn’t stand still & says"toot-a-loo"...

Time isn’t moving faster ya know for sure.
We are giving of ourselves in many ways, moving slower maybe too.
But, it’s o.k. that we can’t do all we want to do.

If we find we are being cared for much to our dislike.
Take those thoughts from your mind and tell them to take a hike.
Remember the times we cared for others just like we would like to be cared for in time of need.
We were all probably told at one time or another in our lifetime to "Do unto others as you would like done unto you" when we had to deal with ole’ mean so and so or Sam Sneed...

Anyway, we make life so unnecessarily complicated most times.
Taking on worry and grief of things to come.
Taking a little lesson from a rose is something we all should do....
How, you may ask? I will tell you...

Life has a way of placing thorns in our life’s branches....
But, when we allow God all control in surrender of ourselves to Him as our Father.
He can make us appear & smell to others as the soft petals of a fragrant rose.
Despite the heartaches & pains that we go through in our life...
We should not always view them as something called strife.
Those things can compare to the thorns of that rose being there for a reason.
Thorns in life we’re amongst at times are too serving purpose in their season.
The purpose of a rose’s thorns or our trials, I do not really know...
One day it will all be revealed and make perfect sense to our weary souls.
Until that day we need to take refuge knowing by allowing God’s plan to unfold.
It’s just strengthening us for things to come that right now to us are unknown.

There is this most important thing we can hold onto.
It is that our Heavenly Father has the control .
With His unconditional love & infamous mercy.
He will guide us, hold our hand or even carry us completely.
When He sees fit to let us move on and be out of seasons we go through.
He will show us how strong we really are.
Despite how weak we felt when we just didn’t know what we were going to do.
　
　
　Not wishing things to be different no matter how hard that is to comprehend.
Struggles are given to us as a gift from our Father in Heaven.
Oh, how we may question it at times with strain & without end.
Days of good times, bad times. Just seemingly unbearable & ugly to go through.
Those before have passed and those to come will too.

Let us all take one day at a time..
In that time taking what we have and making the most of it.
Despite it be good or what we consider bad...
It is what we should behold to be blessed to do or have
as God sees fit.....
There are many others worse off than us
They have not family, friends, roof over their head or even a dime.

You see...
Believe it or not.... Yes believe it or not I dare to say.
One time in days, months or years to come.
If the Lord keeps us on this earth or tarries that long.
We may be wishing that these days we are in......
Well, will be the days we wish things could be like again and they are ALL GONE....

Jerri J Clark - 12/22/09

Summer Break..Here & Gone.........

Has been a while since I updated this, so today is the day... Time has flown by this summer. The kids will begin school next week and I will for the first fall in 14 years have the house to myself during the days... Decision to look for a part-time job to keep my availability for the kids & family has not been made yet and I have a few paperwork projects that need tending to before I feel comfortable working outside the house. The type of things that are going to take about 8-9 hours a day of devout dedication to accomplish in the right & legal manner. Having the days of quietness, uninterruption,etc are going to be perfect.... When all that is done & I see no need to remain unemployed as far as how mom is doing, etc...Then a job will look more appealing....

Since posting last a lot has been going on...I had a CT scan to rule out post-concussion headaches/stress/anxiety from an injury last year...Been going to Dr. appointments with my parent's....Paul.Meg & I went camping @ La Wis Wis for 5 days the end of June/first of July...Ben went to Clovis CA for a week of housing project(s) with the youth group & a week of traveling back/forth for that trip...He also went to camp in Turner Oregon for a week & then Meg went to Camp Touche the next week... Ben has been helping the men @ the church install in-ground sprinkler systems, mowing neighbor's lawns, etc in his spare time.. He has done more this summer than any other summer's past.....Gaining Godly insight through other men while learning skills & performing tasks that help him learn work ethics....Meg has got to go swimming with her cousin & also been able to do more this summer than any past.... Church activities have been keeping busy with music practices, adapting to new pastorship in the church & getting ready for a new expansion to take place soon...

Paul has learned that he has high B.P., so we have re-dedicated ourselves to being healthy like we had so many months ago..Well, I had, not him so much..But, now he really has no choice... I am being nice to him..Promise! WE have been taking nightly walks together..Sometimes with the kids and sometimes not...

I have been selling items on ebay to have mad money and bought him a new pair of walking shoes yesterday.(I want to start walking longer distance..hint hint).Other things that we have been able to do this summer with the money I am making is go camping, fix our truck, go to the dump with 3 loads of junk, buy Paul & the kids new glasses & pay some bills when needed... The Lord has given us what we need at the right times & His blessings are tremendously overwhelming @ times....Now, it's my turn to go to the eye Dr. in a couple days.....

I have been cleaning the house like a mad woman and things have been torn apart for 3 weeks..It is a good thing, as we are reclaiming our house after 14 years of childcare providing & setting things up in a manner that will make it fell more like home than ever before...This week is getting things back in order...The livingroom has been the catch all as things get moved to their appropriate place and even though that chaos has been taking place, we all know that in the end peace and contentment in simplicity will be reached....Like I have always said..Some things have to get worse before they get better and I THANK the Lord for the patient husband I have to allow me to make a mess like I have..He has his eye on the prize of knowing my unsettledness & dis-content of how my house has been will all be soon gone along with the temporary B.M. (My gpa's way of saying Bad Mood) occasionally that has come with my wanting this to be all done...Yard Sale signs are going to be made & tables will be full this weekend or next..... Haven't decided yet..I have a basement to sort through too and want only ONE Yard Sale to prepare for...

Can't really think of anything else to say other than I can feel & smell the autumn in the mornings, but that all goes away when the temps hit 85-90-95-100 degrees... This is my favorite time of year... I love the apples readying for harvest, hay being cut & bailed, late evening walks, getting ready for school & getting the feeling of a schedule of bedtimes,homework & such back in motion....I have had a wonderful summer in just being 100% "mom" to my children for the first time ever..It is one thing I don't regret about quitting my job.... I have been able to do more with them & allow them to go do more things as well without the time restraints of being mom to other people's children.... I miss the little kids, but I don't regret making the decision that I did.... Nothing other than being that 100% "mom" could give me the enjoyment I have received this last 3 months.....Without a gracious Heavenly Father I wouldn't have any of it....

May the Lord bless you as richly as I know He has blessed me, JERRI

Long Road Ahead...

Today has been a day that I have been expecting to come, just not sure when it would...Sooner than I thought it would, but that is a terrific thing.. A day of having someone very very dear to my heart & life letting go of emotions that allowed me to release apprehensions of my own for this person...As I sit here crying & typing I can feel what has felt toxicity of anticipation this last couple months just leaving my body.. Feeling relief beyond comprehension within the release of another person's emotions that otherwise seemed my own personal fear. It turns out to be apparently I have been waiting for this person to just let go & wear their heart on their sleeve for really the first time for me to witness in my lifetime of loving them so much..... Our hearts are intertwined & that bond so tight that I feel the relief of this person so greatly. It makes me feel free to let go myself of the fears of what is to come in the days, months, years to come... It is in God's time... I have too myself cried over this issue, but this time is different..They are a release of relief & happiness that this person is finally able to let go bringing us even closer...Not just a crying because I'm sad.....

Being the emotional person that I am, I usually get very upset at myself for crying at the things I do and feel embarrassed many times when a tear falls....But, today is a day that these are tears I'm not ashamed of, nor care if anyone sees me...They are bittersweet, but healing and you have no idea (or maybe you do) how good that feels to me after going through the rough time I have lately..I thank the Lord that He allowed this day to happen to reveal to me the reason or partial reason why I have been feeling the way I have...Thinking I knew reasons, but this one was not one of them for sure....To hear those tears start to flow over the phone was a tough thing, as when an other's heart is aching, so is mine, but to realize tears are a release of anger, bitterness,stress,fear,anxiety, etc.... They are healing at the same time.... Plenty more days of tears to come I'm sure...All kinds to be had..... Even for those whom normally would not shed a tear....

This week I have been diligently working on getting our house in order & things cleaned out that we just don't need anymore...You ever seen the show "Clean House"?.. Ours isn't near that bad, but the same concept in letting go of emotional attachments to materialistic things.... There is a great need to have my own house a refuge of sorts, as this summer is looking to be many days spent elsewhere I'm needed... It is my desire to have things in order, so I can just come home to relax and not worry about what needs to be done or cleaned.... The kids & Paul have been great at allowing me to implement some "house rules" of sorts to make things work smoothly in this new world of "being organized"... Paul will be gone a couple weeks in July & looks like Ben will be gone from June 24th -July 7-8th...Meg & I will have to maybe buy some paint and do a couple projects while we have some girl time...

Getting back at the eating of more raw fruits/veggies has seemed to make me feel better energy wise & more healthy overall...Keeping busy cleaning all through the week is taking some place of the walking I've been missing... Need to get on the Gazelle at least a mile a day though and will work hard on getting that done....

Please pray for God's guidance and peace for the days, weeks,months or years ahead in how the Lord chooses to have our lives effected by the issue(s) at hand for our family....

May the Lord bless you as richly as He has me, Jerri

Re-Connection

I need to post entries more often, but here I am now almost a month after the last entry.... Anyway, has been a hectic, busy,stressful month...Getting Meg completley healed of her ailments and then I wound up @ the hospital 2 weeks ago with an anxiety attack that had me by every nerve in my body...... Heart-rate was 145 & B.P. dangerously high after a month of hoping these icky feeling would go away.... I was diagnosed with wryneck/pinched nerve... Caused by the anxiety or I think actually a muscle strain turned into the anxiety of thinking my headaches, arm numbness, etc... were due to something seriously wrong.... At any rate, it is getting better and my neck is straighter by the day... Sleeping better & taking my b.p. regularly (it's been normal every time) to make sure I'm taking care in every way possible to be back to 100%...Dealing with stress & allowing God to take the control is key to being healthy, just as well as the eating right & exercising... Balance between the body/soul/spirit/mind is something I had for several months, then a major change in our lives began the downward spiral of other things happening and me losing that edge I had to keep going on.... Excuses!...Back into walking..Not the 6 miles a day, but starting out @ the 2 miles each day at least..Plan is to work back up to the 6 miles a day by June... I will reach my 1,000 mile mark and/or exceed it by my birthday...9 miles to go by the 14th....(see exercise chart @ right to see when I make it)

Looks as though sometime this summer I will be unemployed and spending time with only my children for the first time since beginning childcare almost 14 years ago.... I plan to enjoy every minute and allow God to lead in the path He has chosen for me to take.... Having thought for the last couple years I would be calling it quits and never did..This times is for real.... Thankful for a husband that has health insurance and works so hard to allow me to be here for our children.... Ben will be 16 in November, but no real desire to drive yet..I'm still the taxi and don't mind it.... Meg isn't into sports, but has a desire to do soccer or softball....

This last few weeks has been a tremendous blessing in having being found on facebook and then finding people as well..... People that I've wondered about over the years... I didn't have a desire to really do much on the website, but to keep in touch with my niece & nephews...Now, it has come to be that something I didn't want has happened and I couldn't be happier, unless I could reconnect with my family who have went on before me.....I don't get into the mediator thing, so I'll have to wait til I get to Heaven..... It is like he saying of "you may get what you want, but then you don't want what you got"...Well, I got something I didn't want and now I'm glad I have it... Re-Connection... Going from a pretty unsavvy computer person a couple years ago to figuring out the ins/outs ....Learning to dodge the phishing (not fishing) & spam (not the lunchmeat)e-mails. Then go to being part of something that is considered to be the "in" thing out in cyberworld of chatting,e-mailing,facebooking,blogging,diet diaring, etc.....I have sold on Ebay for a few years, but not out of that realm.... This is pretty neat! I'm usually the one whom is about 10 years behind.....

More changes are going to be taking place and we are excited to see where it leads us.... The church we attend right now has called a new pastor..Been lookng for 2 years!... He will be here June 14th from Idaho..... Ben plays the guitar & I play the piano at times..... The church is growing and readying for a new expansion to begin within the next couple months.... We are holding back on joining the membership until we see where things are headed with all these new thing happening, but excited as things have went so well thus far and we are feeling that God has put us where we belong with total peace...

We all went for the walk this evening...I bought the kids new walking shoes a couple weeks ago so they would'nt be able to give me the excuse of not having any.... Bullfrogs in the pond have been sought and rocks have been skipped in joy of just spending time together as a family in the wonderful bounty of nature God has provided us with.... Bike riding is my next task..Need to get new tubes for my ten speed bike that a woman wanted to give me @ a yard sale last fall when she found out my lifestyle change endevour..I gave her $2 at least....She was asking $3 (lol)...Paul is the only one without a bike now.... Shall find him one this summer! Off to watch the Biggest Loser and spend time with my hubby before we both doze off.......

May the Lord bless you as richly as I know He has blessed me,

JERRI

Spring & It's Offerings

Spring is my second favorite season of the year..... Fall being my first...... Spring brings freshness of color & smells after dreary wintery days.... Helps bring my spirits up, as I'm sure it does many peoples.... However, it does bring along with it the allergies & spring colds that tend to reak havoc on our household..... Meg being the one worst effected usually.. Spring Break for her was not pleasant, as she lay in bed feeling too sick to function....Began with a 102 temp on Friday , the 27th of March...Then came bloodshot & watery eyes, cough, wheezing, etc... Began nebulizer (albuterol) treatments on Wednesday to have Friday bring when Meg described as pop-rock sounds in her ears.... The Lord saw fit that we got right into the Dr. office to be seen... Came out with diagnosis of pneumonia with a partial lung collapse on the right side & the beginnings of an ear infection.....Made a round trip in 1 hour flat... That is a miracle in itself, as I had a 1 year old and the 5 year brother with me in tow.... $160 later and settled in for the weekend, Meg began recouping & mom has begun a new regime of green vegetable & fruit therapy in small portions to get her palette broadened beyond tuna, chicken, peanut butter, chewy granola bars, cereal, bananas, green beans, mac n cheese, sandwiches & such. Have also added some vits & Claritin to combat the seasonal elements that attack her system. Lets just say to get MEG to eat dairy, veggies, fruits is not an easy task and though most think she is just a sweet little angel...Contrary to that belief, she is a stubborn girl who would rather go hungry than to put anything leafy green, tomatoee red or comes from or made of what comes from a cow into her mouth.... Come on over for a visit one night @ suppertime and see for yourself.... Despite all of that, she is a sweet little girl & capable of bringing many smiles & much joy to our lives... Patience is a virtue and Lord I need them.... This is hard & trying on the nerves.......Those of you who have little ones start off with the veggies/fruits, cause to turn that around later on is not fun..... My fault in this 80%.....

On the brighter side of Spring is the planting of new veggies & flowers...Sowing seeds & getting dirty fingernails ( I can't stand to wear gloves).... Turbulence of the rototiller jolting me like one of those old-fashioned motorized belted belly shakers..... Losing track of time and coming into the house to see the clock say 8:00 p.m. and no supper ready..... Smells of fresh mowed grass & Round-Up to combat the pesky weeds.....BBQing & some 3 day weekends. Watching the kids play baseball out in the yard & just enjoying God's beautiful creation in so many ways as everything just unfolds before one's eyes... Calming sprinkler sounds (to me anyway) of "tick tick tick..plffffff" and the evening breeze waving the curtains of the bedroom... I could go on and on what this season brings.... Late evening walks & kids riding their bikes beside to go to the pond we stumbled upon last year up the road and find bullfrogs under water stalking mosquitoes & flies....... Memories being made & reflections of what we used to do as kids to keep occupied beyond the boob tube & video games.....

As this week is coming to being closer to over than it's beginning... Today marks the 10th day of my self-inflicted challenge of eating right 100% & doing at least some sort of exercise (not just everyday mundane things) til Easter.... It has felt so good to daily mark a success on my chart (at right here under Easter Goal)...Other self-challenges will come after Easter and not just stop there...It has just been a great tool to use in getting back on track in a short-span (baby steps) and achievable sense....I know that these last few days my challenge has done some good in the fact that my pants are fitting much looser again and I don't feel or look like a lard injected twinkie in them anymore... I have learned that to keep going in my "Downsizing" journey, I must be creative & self challenging 99.9% of the time, as support is not easily come by on a personal level and I have to be my own best friend at times....I do have the website I utilize for logging my foods,activities, etc...For those people there I am so grateful & thankful to have in my life to allow me to know that I'm not alone in this and struggles are usually the same realm of some depression at times, anxieties, moments of "who really cares?", etc.......Making this the lifestyle change and NOT a DIET is key to my success & theirs as well....I wish I lived closer to a few to associate with in camaraderie on a more personal level... My family is behind me 100% to rid of this remaining somewhat burdensome weight & will walk with me @ times, but not when it comes to the eating according to what is on my plate or in my bowl..... I'm on my own there and have often thought that I am enabling them by buying the groceries & fixing their favorites..... I need to work on that! Then I go off and buy the Easter basket goodies... It will be rationed this year....

Sunday will be a day set aside in the tradition as it was being way before I was a little kid of being passed on of laughter, love & in gathering together as family to celebrate & remember our Lord's Resurrection...

May the Lord bless you as richly as He has blessed me, Jerri